Unshakable Truths

Faith, love, and the space between

By Anne Postic 

Timothy White was 15 years old when he told his parents he was gay. His confession was met with unconditional love. In 2015, that wasn’t entirely surprising. By then, many parents were prepared for such conversations. And even if they weren’t, there were plenty of support groups, an abundance of internet advice, and a growing number of parents who had gone through the same experience and were willing to talk about it.

What made the Whites’ moment more complicated was Timothy’s father’s career—one that was not just central to his identity but also fundamental to his family's life. Bill White was an evangelical Christian and the leader of a church where homosexuality, at least in practice, was unequivocally considered a sin. Eleven years later, Timothy and his parents remain close. In a recent New York Times piece, Timothy shared some of his father’s journal entries from that time, offering insight into how the pastor stayed true to both his faith and his love for his son. (The article, which ran in the opinion section, is worth a read—so I’ll spare you any spoilers.)

Pastor White’s journey wasn’t easy. His faith and relationship with God weren’t up for debate. Neither was his love for his son. In fact, his faith called him to be a loving father. He spent years doing the hard work of reconciling those two nonnegotiables. When faced with a difficult decision or major change, the best place to start is by identifying your constants. How can you stay true to yourself even when you have to be flexible?

I have friends who are evangelical Christians. I have friends who believe gay rights are human rights. How am I friends with all of them? Because they all have loving hearts and go out of their way not to hurt or judge others. That’s my nonnegotiable. But not every personal truth is a moral imperative. Some are simply practical, and that’s fine. For example, I will not sleep outside for fun. Indoor plumbing is my jam. I have friends who are die-hard campers, and we manage just fine—because they love me enough never (ever) to make me pitch a tent or go more than a day without a shower or bath. We don’t judge each other. We accept who we are. (And yes, we still vacation together because we all love to eat and stay up too late talking. And we’re all really funny—at least to each other. A shared sense of humor is another one of my nonnegotiables.)

Leisure decisions are usually simple as long as everyone is willing to compromise. Some elements, like vacation budgets, have to work for everyone. But most of us can handle eating at a restaurant that isn’t a favorite—it’s the company that matters, right? But if that company includes someone with shellfish and wheat allergies? Save all-you-can-eat night at Fried Shrimpy Shrimp Town for another time. Easy peasy.

Tangible nonnegotiables are simpler to navigate. What Timothy White and his parents achieved took grace. Centering their faith and love for each other made the process possible, even when it was difficult. Timothy and his father also truly knew each other. In Pastor White’s journal, he wrote about how honored he was that Timothy came to him and opened up. If a 15-year-old is willing to be that honest with a parent, that parent has been showing unconditional love for years. Anyone else out there hoping they’ve done the same for their own children? I know I am.

When life throws you a curveball—one that shakes you to your core—take a moment (or more) to ask yourself what truly cannot change. Not what you don’t want to change. Not what would be really hard to change. What is your absolute truth? The challenge is finding room within one truth to honor another.

Next time I’m faced with a dilemma, I hope I take a page from Pastor White’s book and prioritize spirituality and love.